exams are making me go crazy
its no wonder my sickness isn't going away...i'm stressing so much
:S

i think i saw an idiot from a short time ago that i erased from my memory . . .he was with his cousin i think and of course with the once long ago friend that i have also erased
i did not look at them...my friends did but i chose not to and i'm glad
because my eyes were meant to look at the beautiful and better looking things in life not the face of a dark...atrocious ..liar

happy thoughts crossed my mind because somewhere up there someone was happy with me and they made me realize who was worth having in my life and who wasn't

this life isn't short in my opinion...it is very long...and karma does exist
if its not now ....it'll be later happiness and sorrow go hand in hand...what rises up comes down at one point as well...

me ...well i like where i stand not up not down just in between
i watch those that fall from the high place they seem to pretend they are in
i watch those that have fallen and remain there
and the very few that know how to get to the stable place i'm in

mine ..urs...their's
what does it matter
you came alone
you die alone
you came with nothing
you leave with nothing
whats yours now
tomorrow will be someone elses
open your eyes and see the real world...
fairytales and eternal life best be kept in dreams

it was just yesturday that i was reminded of how soothing your voice can really be at times
how soft your skin is against mine
and it was then i realized that you'll always be my love
i'm happy i'm getting back pieces of you that once were taken from me
but now they're back and i hold your heart and you hold mine
and thats how it'll always be forever and always
remember just like we used to say :D

left .....right
up......down
side...to side
or all around
i'm in between your unreasonable feud
change the typical empires fall everyday....yes its true people die to
but empires and people can be saved ...(isn't this more of a worthy challenge ?????)


so frustrated
2hrs of math & bio a day till diplomas oh so much fun :'(
novel study in between
cherry to the lovely cake a sickness that hasn't gone away for months ...stupid antibiotics don't flippin work

so much has happened through this last month...i'm still kinda tired out from it all
everyones changing only a few actually remain the same

asad: u fob where the hell do i start with you...your becoming more of a fob day by day and no its not because of me :P thanks for being there on my birthday wish you could have been there for everything else but atleast i got to see you afterwards. Want to chill and do something fun without the countless strings attached ..hope we can achieve that

mahmoud: i'm not weird ok ..you are :P i wish you were here all the time its like a never ending wish, dream, what ever you want to call it. Theres so much i wish you could be around for i really do. But i guess i'm lucky enough to communicate somehow

yogi: hahaha for gods sake leave betty and bob alone you and moreen all night thats all that was talked about...they need there attention too thats all i'm gonna say :P lol..i can't believe i just wrote that ..thanks for coming but ..funny how are situations are usually alike

Moreen: thanks for coming to everything and being there for me it was lots and lots of fun it really was i enjoyed..i came back to school on monday expecting people to tell me about the fun they had but surprisingly majority of everyone went home afterwards and fell asleep...i'm really glad i did more than that and had fun with the people that actually mattered..the pics look really nice..can't wait for our slumber party night :D

Lucky: Where do i start with you..your such an awesome guy ..as odd as it is sometimes how much we have in common now and in our past i love that we do..were like twins ..i really enjoy spending time with you and talking to you..for once it feels like i found someone who truly understands where i'm coming from we both analyze things the same way...i love our differences as well because it makes everything else interesting...ghost stories was hillarious..thanks for being there for me ...i really love us chillin and your honesty

AR: your so awesome ..your always calling me and texting me sometimes i'm like ok i'm really fine you can stop callin and texting..but i realize that it be weird if you didn't one day ...its like a part of my day would be incomplete somehow....thanks for being there for me your truly a good guy and i have faith your going to make it far in life i just know you will

Tunnu: Thanks for coming out on my special nights your an amazing friend even though we usually don't get to talking that much when we get the chance to chill the time that was lost always seems to be made up somehow...you've become apart of the family in a sense..we all love you..including my friends ..thanks hun

Hassan: i was surprised to hear the things you said and the questions you asked after a point i thought you were never going to realize where i had come from when i started talking to initially i'm glad you've realized things but its unfortunate the time it took you to do that...what we had then can't be re-gained but i'm always still here for you to talk whenever you need to

Sachin: I'm not in agreement with your decisions and ways of handling your stress and problems its just small steps to a bigger downfall...i also hate how you tried to cause an argument between me and my sister ...both of us are over that but were not going to forget which makes it harder for me to trust you 100% ...i'm here for you always but I hope you come to the point where you realize that time to get it all together is running out its now or never....your capable of achieving alot

Nina: you've changed hun...your not like you used to be..in a way you are but you seem so lost now and i think i've lost you...hope we can maintain a friendship...miss the moments we used to have ...i only wish you would communicate more to tell me what it is that made you change

So much that i try to fix
so much that doesn't even need fixing

so much that i would like to accomplish
so much that i don't even want to try

so much i wish could happen
so much i wish wouldn't happen at all

everything has an opposite to it i guess
but i guess what makes me stunned the most is how i am somehow always losing control of my emotions ...there are times where I am able to maintain some kind of control over it and on those days i feel like a cold lonely stone...without the feeling of being lonesome though..its akward

longing for so much . . ... .. sadly it'll remain that way

http://neon.imeem.com/video/mfa_TSfK/i_dont_wanna_know/
I just can't believe this
This is enough of this thought,
Can't get this out of my head,
Somebody said they saw you
The person you were with wasn't me
And I would never ask you
I just kept it to myself

I don't want to know
If you're playing me
Keep it on the low
Cuz my heart cant take it anymore
And if you're creeping
Please don't let it show
Oooh baby, I don't want to know

Does she touch you better than me(Touch you better than me)
Does she watch you fall asleep (watch you fall asleep)
Does she show you love this way and the things you do to me (do to me baby)if you're better off that way (better off that way)baby all that I can say (all that I can say)
Go on and do your thing and don't come back to me(Stay away from me Baby)

I don't wanna know where your Whereabouts or how you movin
I know when you in the house or When you cruising
It's been proving
My love you abusing
I cant understand how a girl
Got you choosin
Undecided I came and provided, My undivided
You came and denied it(why)
Don't even try it,
I know when you lying
Don't even do that
I know why you crying (stop cryin)
Im not applying no pressure, I Just want to let you know
That I don't want to let you go
And I don't want to let you leave
Cant say I didn't let you breath
Now it's time you invest in me
Cuz if not then its best you leave

http://kaylav.imeem.com/video/vzkoXF1R/ashanti_foolish/
I hate what you have done to my heart
all the little games you play
All that you leave me in the dark about
Your apparent wife and girl'
yet you trust others more than me ..and I...
I trusted you so much then
now i don't know if your words are that of love or apart of a plot to win me
you don't seem to believe in the sweet honey drops of words you once spoke to me
so much is heard through my ears and i am my own joker
i pretend to have known all along and pretend to be fine with it all
to most things i am to others not so much
i wish i could say never again and close my eyes and shut the doors to my heart
but i am not like that you see
once you have opened these doors they will always be open to you
they say to forgive those who ask for forgiveness but you have not done so
if you had things would be different there would be no feud
i miss the mornings and lunches
i miss the moments we'd stare at the sky and just loose ourselves in wonder
but you have told me that ..that kind of simplicity is not meant to be lived by you
akward to hear you speak those words being a man who has spoken about nothing but simplicity to me not so long ago
you have taken sides to some degree with enemies of mine you have not seen it like that yet
i have made exceptions to some extent because your were never one of them because you see you held my heart from the start
that is the reason you are not one of them


A mother who i have never gotten the chance to see or talk to was taken away from this world
yet it is today that i am finding this out
the tears rage inside my eyes and my heart has a fire around it that burns so fierce
I am paraded with the thought that i am only able to do so little for a brother who i love so much
the world can call him anything to me hes my brother
there is no truth that he can tell me that will ever make me leave him
yet even then i'm in the dark so often but hes letting in light more now than he did before
he has made me a promise and i have made mine to him

I am kind in a manner that benefits all ..when i am cruel it will be in a manner that will ruin all

"Empires are not brought down by outside forces... they are brought down by forces within"
let all loyalty, honor, trust , and love be tested
i desire the truth

all the people i care about under one roof :)
i must say i'm kinda excited.....so much to do :(

shame on you if you fooled me once shame on me if you fooled me twice
should have known better but i don't so i can't go back
life goes on and its only gonna make me strong
its a fact once you get on board theres no going back

"frailty, thy name is woman"

you were everything i wanted in a man
i gave you my heart my soul . . .i gave you all of me
'A was a man, take him for all in all"
the virtue of his will, his greatness weigh'd his will is not his own

I remember all the little fights that i used to insist on all the tiny ones i would make into larger deals only to have you craddle me and show forgiving affection. . .i loved how you cared that you may have hurt me

I remember when you used to say nothing will ever come between us but you were so wrong in your selection of words

I remember how I would put all my hurt and hide it from you inside me just so i could give you the full attention of my ears, my heart and eyes...but those painful moments of my own i have always kept inside of me away from you , but when you asked me to share i started to and it is then when the comparisons of whose pain was stronger was analysed..once you started on your own pain its as if you became so lost in that hurtful world you place yourself in you'd forget about the reason of my hurt..but i would never tell you that i would once again let go of my own worries and comfort you..

I remember how i would re-read the words you once wrote to me over and over before i went to sleep you felt so much closer to me when i did ..i would hold that teddy bear so tight
I remember in psychology articles of relationships that faced hardship in years before marriage would be stronger when finally combined my marriage..
I remember picturing all those common goals of a future we once shared..I havn't forgotten a single word

None of this exists anymore it is only a memory thats the only living thing inside of me
so easily you left me ...so easily you let your anger your emotions charge ahead of you and onto the heart of our relationship.... you really left me...you really hurt me
the tears that streamed rivers from my eyes are only a pain i understand...i remember before how a single tear from my eyes would stop you in your tracks and you would come back to earth from your raging throne. . .

It was different this time ..this time you left
you left justifying a common misconception that hatred, anger, and frustration is stronger than love
all that will happen after this is simply a result of your reaction that night [frailty, thy name is woman] you would have given an enemy a second glance..a second thought before saying those words..... but i see where my place is..it is sad that the one thing that i have lacked the most ...my rest is what killed me that night and it will never come again...a restless life will be harder to adapt to

Goodbye my love. . . one day i'll see you again perhaps it will be in a place away from here

ok so i'm a little more on top of things today which feeels a lot better i just wish i had control of time and i cud pause moments in my life but unfortunately thats not possible....

"Promise"
Come enjoy the life
Baby take a rideI just wanna vibe with you, you
Baby you and I can have a good time
Tell me what you likeOo oo[Spoken]
Now listen
I've been single for a while now
And I've been kind of lonely
But I'm looking for somebody to talk to,
Love me, someone who can hold me,I
s that you?
I'm looking for somebody I can call boo
Looking for the only one that I can give my all to
Tell me if it's you, you, you
What you wanna do, do, do
Make your move
You can be my teacher
I'll do homework
You can give me extra credit, babyI'll do more work
What you wanna do, do, doNow it's me and you, you, you
Make a move
This mood is so rightIt feels so rightY
ou can be my prince
My knight
You can be my superman
Save me here I am'Cause baby
There's nothing I won't do
To spend my life with you
I'll give my all to you
I promise that I will never lie to you boy
There's nothing I won't do
To spend my life with youI'll give my all to you
I promise that I will never lie to you boy
You and me together
Picture perfect
I'll spend all my money all my time
Because you're worth it
It's just me and you, you, you
What you wanna do, do, do
Make a move
Call me mama, spoil you like a baby
Thinking about you, dreaming about you
Got me going crazy
What you wanna do, do, do
Now it's me and you, you, you
Make a move
This mood is so right
It feels so right
You can be my prince
My knight
You can be my superman
Save me here I am Baby
There's nothing I won't do
To spend my life with you
I'll give my all to you
I promise that I will never lie to you boy
There's nothing I won't do
To spend my life with youI'll give my all to you
I promise that I will never lie to you boy
[Spoken]I mean everything that I say
From the bottom of my heart
I will never, never ever hurt youI open my heart
Open my heartGive it to you
Tell the whole world that I'm in love with you
Whatever you want
Baby I'll doI know I don't want nobody else but you
There's nothing I won't do
To spend my life with youI'll give my all to you
I promise that I will never lie to you boy
There's nothing I won't do
To spend my life with you
I'll give my all to you
I promise that I will never lie to you boy

i'm in one of those kind of moods that are undescribable in words
emotions are out of control raging everywhere
happy sad....sad happy...mad forgiving...forgiving mad.....
there all but seconds of company
i have come to the conclusion that i hate the word "why"
because most of the times i ask myself that question either there is no one to respond or the responder is not around or avoiding the question
so in conclusion i hate the word

grad seems so exciting but in a way i also feel that it should just be done and over with it is way too time consuming and all the talk about it just leads me to want to get it done and over with

exams are frustrating they always seem to be scheduled around the same time and i am at one point motivated to do well and sit and study but then at another moment i just want to forget all about and just go to sleep or spend my time doing something different.

so much i would like to write but its that feeling of doing something yet nothing that stops me

k so i'm officially freaking out the month of may is coming up so fast...
birthday
grad
school exams

i'm afraid i'm gonna forget something its my worst fear to not have something done perfectly or for me to forget about it completely

the banquet seems over rated $55.00 per ticket for crappy food but all for the sake of beautiful overly expensive dress you might as well show off for the cost. Most people are travelling in big groups or in small ones all over the place to random events. However, I want to spend my time with the people who matter to me who have actually been there through thick and thin..i do not wish to put on a mask and to pretend they are all important and that we've all always gotten along. Sure I want to have a few conversations here and there as well as take dozens of pictures but that is strickly for memories sake only....so i can remind myself of the few treasured good memories there were with those people.

still in a state of panic

The weather is so dull and gray outside
it creates the feeling of wanting to hide

all this pain inside of me

things aren't the way they were before

i don't even know myself anymore

you say you don't trust in me
but the truth is you never did
it was your heart that you trusted in
remember it like you used to tell me

now i sit here dazed and i wonder did i really glue up your shattered heart
or were we in some idyllic society where we had once taken each others hand and escaped our miseries

and i sit here and wonder. . . trust such a fragile thing it is yet it is a belief and a want at the same time ..we all crave it
truth is i could run around when your turned with your back ..but i havn't so tell me
when did your hand let go my little one?

verse:
Now if I give u me
This is how its got to be
First of all I won't take u cheating on me
Tell me who can I trust if i can't trust in u
And I refuse to let u play me for a fool
U said that we could possibly spend eternity (See thats what u told me thats what u said)
But if u want me
U have to be fulfilling all my dreams
If u really want me baby

chorus 2x:
If u had my love and I gave u all my trust
Would u comfort me
Tell me baby
And if somehow u knew that your love would be untrue
Would u lie to me
And call me baby

verse:
U said u want my love and you've got to have it all
But first there are some things u need to know
If u wanna live with all I have to give
I need to feel true love or its got to end, yeah
I don't want u tryin to get with me
And I end up unhappy ( I don't need the hurt and I don't need the pain)
So before I do, give myself to u
I have to know the truth
If I spend my life with u

I've done it before and i'll do it again
tame the things that have began again
for you see you are searching for things that have already surpassed you
things that are have already realized and learnt from
we are not each others enemie
you and I this battle we are
share some similarities
yet we have not yet come to common grounds
oh why can't you see love is stronger then anything you see or wanna see
we rise we fall

I've done it before and i'll do it again
tame the things that have began again
hold your hand when it becomes unbearable
love allows none to be separable
if all else fails then i will walk this line for you
for you once said we were each others power and foundation
this time we will rise together as one rather than two
for you see love proves there is much we can do
no more you's and I's
no more won't
no more if's
no more blames
no more battles alone

together as one

it was about 8 in the morning on a sunday and it finally hit me
"life is only determined to get worse for me"
some may question why i would say such a thing but it is the truth
2 days and a month from now i become "legal" as this nation defines it
i gradute and leave teh torturing halls of ainlay into a more realistic world that
isn't run on the lines of "he said..she said...and did you hear"
[wait ] let me correct myself it may get better or worse
work drama...school drama..home drama..self drama..friend drama
i think i can rule myself out of the school category as well as the friend and were pretty close to cutting out home from that category. key word [close]
i think of everything that has happened in the 12 yrs of the public school system [good & bad]
family...friends..other people..school..etc
and i realize that theres much more to come
most kids dream of becoming older
but i differ from that statement because i have never dreamt of it ..after all why should I
in the railroad tracks of my life the track that came from the "youth/ childhood" side was very short
adult convos..adult life
and nothing is changed at all it has just gotten worse
my doctor says i have developed a very adult lifestyle in which the busy world consumes me and i run around like a crazy person on drugs [ maybe he didn't say the crazy person part]..lol
my mother sat with me to have a long conversation on how i should slow down
and my father suggested having younger friends rather than the age category that goes 6-12 yrs older
here is what i have to say
time is irreversible if i could reverse the effects of my experiences i would take it back any day
and play with barbie dolls and skip around in the idyllic happy kid world unless your a tom boy which i can be at times its more of a mix throw in some cars
i have reached this conclusion i've come this far i may as well deal with it and lead this adult lifestyle to the best of my ability if not better

i was reading my horoscope yesturday and it suggested that i live and let live....that people were going to be the way they are and probably stay the way they are so wanting a change in them is unreasonable people want the compliments not the criticism....this is all true ok i get it
but i have to ask...if this is what people truly seek then why is it that pursue conversations that may result in their downfall why are there actions not as pleasant to avoid criticism
to this i must say that i have still not given up on these people it is unlike my nature so all i have to say is that i wish these people the best of luck and prayers and when they come across the path that i walk and if they stumble i may stop and help them up but i will not hold a lantern out as i walk for that would be like leading a man to a tap but the opening must be done by them alone if they wish to acquire the contents

Friendship Between Women: > >A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband >that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's >10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

see woman like to keep there stories straight and would not jepordize risking the wrong answer
so they are very patient and do not jump towards the problem ...this is why we have the right to claim and copy right the line "we need to talk"

> >Friendship Between Men: > >A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he >had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 >best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two >claimed that he was still there.

men on the other hand jump towards the gone and fire right away out of the goodness of their heart towards there friend without thinking twice. intention was well but outcome..hmmmm nope..men can copy right the line " what they don't know won't hurt them" WRONG
what we don't know hurts even more believe it or not it will at some point backfire when you least expect it and the relationship issue which you may have resolved might go back to base 1 after the truth is unleashed

asad: theres so many things that need to be done time is running away faster each time ..but it is going to happen i bet everything i have on it..i just hope that you've grown stronger its hard to have more strength than you sometimes..[ your still my pakora/donair] you make me go through all emotions at once ..oh and your crazy [ stupid...idiot..pagal] and i really miss the jadoo ke jaapees..i think i spelt the last word wrong ..meh :P for god sake please make things better with my brother somehow or must i be tormented by the pain this childish behaviour needs to end "who can be mad at who longer and who can cause more destruction to the other needs to end " nothing good will come out of it theres enough hatred around both of you

tunnu: where the heck has this woman been i've not heard or seen you

yogi: ur dad hates me or he likes making it hard for me to see you..grrrr.i'll just have to resort to good old kidnapping

nina: i'm glad your following your moms footsteps in becoming a doctor i'm proud of you

arjjenda: after giving me these speeches on being a bitch to guys and watching you cry on how much you miss Artan it makes me realize that you are very soft inside and put on a mask on the outside sometimes. [listen to your heart]

maureen: i don't know what would happen to me without you...you get mad at me for certain things cause you worry about me and my future happiness thanx hun you really are my other half [ if you run i'll run with you...as well as cry and laugh..fall and getting back up] i have an idea its cute

shaneel: i hope that your happy in all that you do and i forgive you for all the pain you've made me go through..when you feel you want to open up and turn to me i'll be here..till then i won't be calling or talking anytime soon..ps: i realize now after knowing about your family drama why you act the way you do sometimes..please come to your senses soon i'm waiting on the other side for you to walk over a atleast a little

midhat: man ever since you got married i see less and less of you and we rarely get to sit and talk i miss those moments..[nawid all i have to say is this "somebody's gonna get hurt real bad"..not saying u but somebody ..lol

Neelu: i'm glad you liked the design for my dress and i'm more than happy to draw your design for you..i love computers with you ...your hillarious..and if we ever do hit the club it'll be straight up street style..[ although it may seem odd a brown girl and a black girl getting it down] hmm wutever ppl need to see save the last dance

mahmoud: sometimes i have no comment for you ....but what i can say is that your becoming something that is swallowing you and your losing control day by day..i do not wish to be in btw all of this but the unfortuante truth is that i am and always will be ...why can't you set your stubborness and differences aside..do you not remember how good it was when the two of you were together as one your the one that gave him the title of your arab brother ..i know your not a hypocrite don't let your actions say soemthing else