i sat there wonderin if what i was about to do worth ...the punishments i'd face after wards...could i really leave behind the people that i hold up...the clear answer was no...then why did it look so easy to give up and end it all....because it was like the devil meeting me and asking to buy my soul...he made it look so easy...so much better...but what stopped me

was it my belief in god...
was it that book that grabbed my attention in front of me..
was it the fact that my cousin was in the room next door....

my friends everything in life has a purpose..everything in life happen for a reason...but our belief in our protector is what allows us to stay strong to repair our weaknesses...

i was talkin to a good friend who was tellin me about a speech he had made ...and it was similar to one i had preached many times....

there is always someone out there who is in a bigger mess than you...and i learn
practise what you preach...thanks for reminding me of the forgotten

came back from a really important appointment...had to fill out a lot of forms...cause theres risks for getting done what i'm getting done....the lady was able to tell me this but was very uncertain all she could say was it doesn't seem like its a cancer...but we are unable to tell what it is without doing these procedures..so i simply signed the documents my parents were let back into the room...they were told what was important but not to the extent i was though....probably not to worry them..my mom didnt want to sign any forms and was against it...but my dad however signed it along with me..and my mom was sure to tell him that if anything went wrong she'd hurt him first..got home talked to some friends...people who i consider close although there extent of understanding differs from mine....i hate it when people act like there lives are so bad...take my friends for instant..they act as if there parents are the root of their troubles...i refuse to share my thoughts to anyone except a rare few...let people make of what they want to believe...the truth..well who's really ever ready to hear the truth about anothers life...all they must know is that jocelyn will always be there... i used to ask myself is there anyone there for me...i've answered my own question...and the answer is yes ..there is and thats me i have to be there for myself...because not everyone is capable of giving gifts...

[Verse 1 Beyonce]Take A Minute Girl Come Sit Down
And Tell Us What's Been Happening
In Your Face I Can See The Pain
Don't You Try To Convince Us That You're Happy (Yeah)
We've Seen This All Before
But He's Taking Advantage Of Your Passion
Because We've Come Too Far
For You To Feel Alone
You Don't Let Him Walk Over Your Heart
I'm Telling You[Chorus]Girl,
I Can Tell You've Been Crying
And You Needing Someone To Talk ToGirl,
I Can Tell He's Been LyingAnd Pretending That He's Faithful And He Loves YouGirl,
You Don't Have To Be Hiding
Don't You Be Ashamed To Say He Hurt You
I'm Your Girl, You're My Girl, We're You're Girls
Want You To Know That We Love You

[Verse 2 Kelly]See What You All Don't Know About Him
Is I Can't Let Him Go Because He Needs Me
It Ain't Really Him It's Stress From His Job
And I Ain't Making It Easy
I Know You See Him Bugging On Me Sometimes
But I Know He Be Tired He Don't Mean It
It Gets Hard Sometimes
But I Need My Man I Don't Think Ya'll Understand

I'm Telling You[Chorus x2][Bridge Michelle]
Girl, Take A Good Look At Yourself
He Got You Going Through Hell
We Ain't Never Seen You Down Like This
What You Mean You Don't Need Our Help?
We Known Each other Too Well

this is wut my best friend would sing to me ...if she existed that is...but shes no where to be seen...miss her image

sometimes when i'm writing ..i know its my personal way of letting my emotions out...yet at the same time i am aware that other people are reading this or have read this...and i ask myself....all these people who know...all that people that are close to me and know how I feel...do they actually ever want to help make it better for me...do they ever read this and understand what i go through....do they feel anything inside urging them to want to help and understand.....

they same something you have from the beginning till the end...and the things that aren't meant to be don't stay and thats how you know...so i wrote this for someone..only in hope

its just one of those things when you look into their eyes...u can tell whether there still in love with you or not....its one of those things when u ask them a question and they don't respond...its one of those things when you tell them you care.....and you wonder if there gonna take the chance ...do they dare? u 've given ur everything ...ur all...lookin at the lovers in front of me...and the old ones behind me...makes me wonder if were meant to be....so many little things get in our way...wuts gonna happen after the big day...theres only one thing to say..i love you with my all and its there forever to stay..question is are you here to stay are u one of the strong...or one that falls on words given by others.....do u know her..do u want her as badly as she wants you.....will you love her for her...make every wish of hers come true...wipe her tears...stop doing wutever u do that brings her tears....cause if you will...if u can...then your truly a sincere man....listen on words of others....tell her u want wut ur best friend has...disrespect her words..her love for u....then ur no longer a man...u r a follower...and u'll never know wut true love is

something my bro added on to this " don't make the mistakes i've made...if its meant to be then its waiting for you forever..& thats how u know....sis y am i even tellin u this ..u know how to test ppl...i trust u know wut ur doin n u'll never let me down"...

Got home a little while ago...cried a lot...I wish I had someone right now..for always..but i don't ...today my dads lil bros wife was cryin in my shoulders...shes been a bitch to me ..shes lied to me parents about something i never did...but it surprises me to know that i can forget and move on....a couple of ppl at the mandir were talkin to my mom they were like you and your husband looked so good together...everywhere you went it looked like royalty..a match made in heaven wut happened....i sat there lost in my own thoughts wut life must be like after being with someone so long and suddenly being forced to be completely independant again...i can say i know this feelin i can relate..cause its something that i've always felt and even with finding a ray of hope i still feel this way....its always the guys.. the fights...somewhere else with someone else...another girl...oh yes the lonely nights...the nights that make u wonder ..then theres some other ppl who want you so bad no other event matters to them..a click of my fingers and there here from north to south west to east...and i'm so cruel to them...because there not wut i want..i don't want loneliness yes..but i don't need them to take it away...i need someone i want...but that someone is no where to be found...lifes cruel in ways i can't explain...i was tryin to talk to my friend random and ya she seemed tired of listenin to me and asked me " wut do u want me to do" and i had nothing to give as a response...at times i just want to leave everything behind....my mom doesn't understand me i am my only hope at times...i force myself to stand..but it hurts both physically and emotionally...spirtually i'm a mess...i need to get back into my beliefs...

but i feel like i should leave and disappear ..have a fresh start...maybe one day..
one day
these emotions will get the better of me and i will take that new start
maybe

sometimes you give someone everything (literally everything) and just from that one person you expect something back ..just from that one no one else but them...but its a slow process...one i may not be able to take anymore...holdin on but slowly losin my grip

In my life I take risks i face challenges....but just lately i took a really big risk...i tested the one i loved ..while putting the most valuable thing i had to offer as the test...No matter what happens in a relationship trust plays a huge role...and i in fact do trust them more than they'll ever know...and my love for them...well words are a failure when a description is needed...but my mind is put at ease as they have not only passed the test ..but also locked my shattered heart with their initials alone...what i wanted to see was whether they would go home and think about what happened and realize how much it meant...to them..but mostly all the effects it had on me...and thankfully :) they did...my trust has never been so strong ...not a soul could convince me otherwise of them....I love you ..(that statement) will stand true always and forever

A new Chaper

In most people especially guys theres things you admire and things you just hate / dislike

[The Check marks]

1)He said he'd never been in love before.....(ok i thought this was a lie) turns out he was being honest ..the messing around phase was over the heart was settled

2)He said he left that whole life for me( ok i thought this was a lie) turns out he was being honest everything was let go the smoking stopped some days other than that it wasn't anymore than 4 cigarrettes

3) He said that he just wanted to hold me none of the rest ( ok i thought this was lie ..a guy not wanting anything more than a hug) turns out he wasn't lieing..me being there was enough just a hand on his back supporting him was it

4) She'd be my princess anything she wants and if she denies anything i think would look good on her i'll buy ( ok i thought that was a lie..how much money can a guy possibly blow on a girl ..especially if he knows that she wants something real) ok so he was being honest he understood money won't buy him love from me

5) He said that he didn't want to mess around with me i was the one that was the end of that( ok so i thought he was lieing ...doesn't every guy want a piece in some way) nope once again i was wrong he told me that he had been through that life and it disgusted him now...and that kissing to sleeping together ruins the relationship ..because by the end of it theres nothing to look forward to anymore you've done it all.

6) Your perfection in my eyes.. the perfect everything ( ok ya right now your just making it up) but the way he descirbed me into detail made me realize what my morals were and how hard they are to find

[The downfall]

7) The forceful way he came bringing those gifts

8) I'd be more loving with you if my guys weren't here..lol.. if you can't show off your love for your girl ..don't show em off in secrets

9)The way he saw flaws in me...you can't be that nice you can't just give ...you need to recieve to...(I am who I am you can't change that)

10) Your parents don't like muslims so wut the hell are you doing he asks me ( umm excuse me you said you loved me does religion matter now)

11) yes everyone has a past some people have bad ones...that are sad..others have happy ones..you had a pretty sick one..please don't expect me to forget your past...being with you would be like being with a lot of other girls...( i know your saying i can't undo the past...give me time then..i'm not tryin to be a bitch)

12) you don't understand my complications at all ...everything in your eyes is possible...and the truth is they are possible but they can't all be done if you have to respect the people that have raised you

13) you don't believe me when i say i can't hurt other people just because i'm claimed to be your girl..( once again i can't chang who i am)

14) if some of your guys can't understand that your not like them anymore you need to tell them that because i'd only led you to the tap ..you opened the water yourself...i don't need to be hated for your change

ok both lists can go on ...you've showed me things i've showed you things...i don't love you ..but you love me...but i love the fact that you realize more about me now...and you say that i'm the boss and your ok with what ever decision i make...that feels good because i need to progress at my own pace....i wish i could tell you that i'm in love with someone else because i know your not the type to let me go that easily...after all you told me that once you find the one ...you don't let go at any cost...but what matters to me is that when you do find out one day that i'm with someone else and when you actually sit and think...i never betrayed you .. i kept my end of the deal..i stuck by your side...gave you the push you needed to get up and start again...and i know you'll thank me because you've already thanked me when i said no ..and you said i love you for the amount of things your able to show me

And too the one i love..i love you .i always will...please don't see this as a downfall in what we have ..your never gonna lose me...i don't break promises..especially if there ones to the one I love with all my heart ..forgive me if what i did was wrong ..i just can't hurt anymore ..neither myself nor you ..nor him...when this is over please give me a hug ..hold me don't let go for a good couple of minutes...just so after it all i can regain my strenght and have a better us forever

in your heart you know your loved...
but in your heart you also know that you only love that one person too...
the other one is one who you are decieving...
i think and wonder what hurts more...
finding out that your going to bring hurt to someone who loves you and gave up the world for you...whose parents and sisters already like you
or hurting yourself because your in love with someone else who is your world...
and what i think hurts more than that is to find out that your lips were kissed by someone other than your life...
this is what makes a person who crazy
and not wanna be around in this world anymore..because shes hurt the one she loves ..the one who is her life...shes played with fire and came out burned some what alive..but very close to disintergrating

I was reading some of Rumi the Gardens of the Beloved translated by Maryam Mafi & Azima Melita Kolin


I came across some things that i've already been following in my life and that relate to it so i thought i'd share them...

When you stop admiring yourself
and let the eyes of the heart
open your vision to vast other worlds
then all you do, will become admirable

The secret of truth is not unravelled
by questioning or giving away
your wealth and psition.
You cannot exalt the heart with mere words,
pain is the price that hte heart has to pay

One needs to be strong
to bear the burning pain of longing,
rushing towards Union is not the answer
It is in the state of separetion that
all one's strenght is needed.

No one could solve my dilema
nor could they tell me where I come from
Now, lost at the crossroads
my heart bleeds, wondering
which way is home

[my favourite]
You brought relase to the tomented
and offered the cup of joy to the sorrowful,
but they have long forgotten.
Tell me, if you are not to offer them the cup again,
what were you trying to teach them?

Time will silence the clamour pride
that fills the head of every man.
The wolf of nothingness
will tear the flock apart
and the flood of death
will carry everything away

It is said that God's light
comes from six directions
"From where?" asks the crowd
turning left and right.
If only you could look neither way
for a moment.

My heart. on this path words are hollow.
At the door of Union
you have to surrender yourself
you will never soar to the sky
where His birds fly
unless you give up your wings

The wisdom of truth manifests suddenly
but only in hesrt that is aware.
the king does not appear unless
one is emptied of the self.

I will never allow myself
to be the object of your mockery,
treacherous ones!
My contempt can bring such devastation
that you may never recover.

[another favourite]
Although the road is never ending
take a step and keep walking
do not look fearfully into the distance
on this path let the heart be your guide
for the body is hesitant and full of fear

sleep my friend,but if you do
the light if truth will slip you unnoticed
asleep in the darkness of the night
you will miss the splendour of the dawn

The back of hope
is bent by separation
the hands of longing
tied by cruelty
but the lover never despairs
for a committed heart
everything is possible

thats not even a quater of the book ...its just a good book i could go on with the ones that stand out towards me..

The part in brackets is what someone else has said ..but the rest is my own

[Be very careful if you make a woman
cry, because God counts her tears. The woman
came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be
walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but
from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be
protected, and next to the heart to be loved.]
Every man is a woman when they are born not many know this....maybe some of them didn't pay attention in Bio......but every man was once a woman.....

A woman can never count her own tears cause theres too many to count.....

She thinks not with her head but with her heart most times....because she knows to give no other pain..or sorrow

because she knows wut its like...

and even if you hurt her ...her reaction will still be with her heart...she'll shed some tears...and if shes pure of heart she'll ask for forgiveness whether shes done wrong or not....

but hurt someone she loves ...and cares about....and she no longer thinks with anything at all....shes built with a flame that burns inside her and she doesn't rest till its put out....

so stand by and judge her if you may...but god kept her a woman..to bring happiness in life...and to wipe away anothers sorrow.....

a man has no strenght as equal to her....a man will break down and never want to get up again...but a woman ..no...she knows she has to get up...if not for herself for another

keep in mind the following applies to a woman of pure heart ....though there aren't that many left...this is a message just incase you come across her...do not judge her ...she was kept a woman....

I woke up from the same night mare today....its one that i've been having for a year now and i don't have any idea wut it means

It starts off with me being in my room at my dads...and someones searching for me outside i'm breathing heavily and scared not for my life but for my little brothers whos soundly asleep....I hear the glass break near my front door of my house ..i push myeslf to my feet and carry him from his room ...the doors are both locked from the inside plenty of time to find an escape ...i remove the screens from his room's window and jump out with him in my arms he wakes up questioning me...and i glance at him with a look that tells him this is no time for questions...theres others waiting outside there surrounding the entrances to my house but yet none of them are aware of the passage that leads through to my neighbors...we both slide from there and keep moving our steps are quiet think of it as a snakes when there ready to attack their prey...still i am not scared for myself but for the innocent life thats with me..my weakness ..i hide him in an underground passage in my neighbors house...one that only my neighbor and once owned dog was aware of ....he is safe ..hes frightened ..this war that i was unaware of is no place for him...thankfully i am dressed in black and hide well in the night..but make no mistake i'm still in danger...i'm running towards an ally near my house it leads into 3 different paths..i'm surrounded i can hear the screeching of tires..i stop breathing ..i stop moving i'm hidden ..so they start talking out loud ..calling out my name..asking me to come out and face death in the eye...i'm no coward but i demand a reason ....they holdin a hostage i can't make him out who he is or what he has to do with me...but they threaten to behead him if i don't come out ..he looks badly wounded and weak...apart of me thinks what am i doing...while my other half tells me u have nothing to lose...your life is of no importance ..save anothers life and you'll die in peace knowing that you helped someones brother...boyfriend...friend..cousin..whom ever...I come out ..they throw him towards the side its me that they want...he looks alive still ..they pay no attention to him anymore and leave him ..he is lucky..they have spared him ..fools they under estimate me theres a dagger around my leg another hidden inside my shirt...there always on me when ever i go somewhere ..the key is to know how to use it...one of them reaches for my legs the other puts his arms around my arms preventing me from moving...somehow i manage to free my arms i interlock his arm and i twist it in a 360 motion ..its broken...he gasps in pain as he hears his own bone click...the other comes towards me from behind puts a knife by my neck...and starts his speech...this isn't a movie..i think to myself save me from your lecture...i slowly step forward elbowin him in his stomach ..and back kicking him in the grind..i run ..i am met by someone in another car..he seems to be the same wounded guy ..in my dream it feels as if i know him really well..he looks at a slight slit in my neck and gasps in frustration "why?" you know it was my duty to look over you not yours over me..hes not going to be happy with me he says...i look at him and i tell him "he'll be happy with wutever i tell him ...drive" suddenly a gun shot is fired he drives there right behind us...were almost there where ever that place is were close...he points out the blood near my shoulder i didn't evn notice ...its the bullet ..the alarm clock rings and i awake gasping for air drenched in sweat

Purpose Driven
Not asleep not awake
Time races away
holding on, we wander here day after day
wondering what our future brings next
have we given or more recieved
have we achieved or decieved
did we push past our limits or was it only a dream to reach
did we quit without trying forgetting to preach
was our faith strong or was it taken away
did we honour his name or make believe
was the word spread about our protector most high
or did you fail to dignify
the answer is quite clear
What are we doing here?

All Alone
I feel so alone hidden are things that can't be told
They have hurt my soul
My body quivers in coldI feel so alone hidden are things that can't be toldI use a paint brush to paint my face
To hide my loneliness and painI feel so alone hidden are things that can't be told
To them I seem a happy soul
Only a few know what I hide but I convince them otherwise
I feel so alone hidden are things that can't be told
I turn to love and familyBut there shoulders are cold and they look at me with disgrace
I feel so alone hidden are things that can't be told
The world starts spinning and everything fades
Who can I turn to the world is too harsh
I feel so alone hidden are things that can't be told
I'm falling farther and farther
Why can't they see
isn't there anyone to rescue me

Through the years things have happened both good n bad....things that i've mostly been proud of because i was able to hold my ground and stand strong through whatever happened....but waking up in the mornings havn't been the same lately...seems as though i wake up not knowing how to go through with my day ..stress ..theres always stress in my house.....tears well there always there too ...sometimes i feel weak because i am so sincere to both my friends and foes...but today i let out my final cry ..i realized that it is not me that is weak...it is the people around me that are weak..see the rest of them find the easy way out that benefit them most..me i find a way out..but with everyone elses intentions in mind..the world has few that do this and i feel proud to be one of those rare few that:
cry for someone elses pain
suffer for someone elses loss
break my heart open and expect nothing in return
help endlessly in more than my mind and body are capable of doing
put everyone else but herself first...

some may say of this as a weakness....but if it were not for those that have this weakness in them you might have wanted to end your life a little shorter..

and something that i always tell myself....
a friend is always a friend ..that friend may one day not call u a friend anymore..but in his darkest days when no one else is there to show him light god will be watching if your still worthy of that day you once called him a friend